I felt something very strange yesterday while walking from my house to the mailboxes just a few hundred feet away. As I stepped onto the raised grass and passed by a few homes in the neighborhood, suddenly I thought — this is what it feels like to live during an apocalypse.
Here’s what I mean: I just finished watching The Last of Us, a show about a post-apocalyptic world where mushrooms basically go rogue and infect people turning them into zombies (let’s just work with that summary for now). It’s the kind of show that features the main characters traveling for miles on end through abandoned cities with no one in sight. Apocalyptic. Most people have died. Seeing another human is a rarity and dangerous.
So while walking to pick up my mail, I was transplanted into this visceral feeling: this is what it’s like to be alone and disconnected.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the loneliness epidemic that many public figures and researchers have been talking about. Asking myself, “What makes people feel alone?” Wondering, “How do I know if I am lonely?”
Yesterday the day was grey and cloudy, and I know that weather drastically impacts the way we feel about ourselves and our life, but I had never really peaked into what it may be like to be so alone.
I don’t consider myself a lonely person. I honestly am quite happy and connected. I have a big family that I speak with daily, if not weekly. I live with my boyfriend and hang out with our neighborhood friends. But what gets me sometimes is this feeling of not being fully seen or understood. And these feelings are quite particular to my current living situation as I am surrounded by rocket engineers and mostly men whose lives operate in the extreme of work-hard and play-hard to manage the stress of working so hard.
It’s a very strange environment for a gal of the other extreme: stare at blades of grass and befriend the backyard bunnies to expand my consciousness and see how long I can go without drinking (almost 6 months now!). I feel like a stranger sometimes trying to adapt to an environment that probably isn’t right for me anyway.
Everyone lives in their own extreme. To many people, my spiritual exploration and love for self-discovery may seem quite odd. But that’s me.
Back to my apocalyptic feeling yesterday. I walk to the mailbox and see a handful of folks hanging out at the neighborhood beer garden. I think to myself: imagine it was the apocalypse… Would I say hi? Would I be relieved? How come when I feel lonely I don’t just run to the first human I see and give them a hug?
Loneliness is not as simple as desiring connection. I believe loneliness can be a result of the simple lack of connection with all things, not just humans. That’s why I am not sure that I qualify for loneliness. I mean, after all, I am sitting here trying to compress my emotional experience into words when really, I should just be experiencing it, not intellectualizing it.
But for the sake of my dear reader, I’ll go on. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I am marvelously connected to it all. I look at the sky and think about the source of all creation. I think that I have felt Oneness embodied before. But some days, the strange feeling of being a lone flower popping out of the sidewalk creeps in. Humans need community. We need physical connection to other people that truly see us. It’s not about validation or seeking approval, it’s really just about being with people. Just being who you are.
So why aren’t these neighborhood folks enough to satisfy the need for community? Well, I think community isn’t just human bodies around — it’s connection to those minds and bodies around. Seeing the world in a similar way. Or at least, having some foundational lens on life that connects your vastly different worldviews. It’s hard to explain. But I do know that there’s a difference between a soul tribe and the tribe you just happen to be around a lot.
One sees deeply into your core and doesn’t require words to feel each other’s presence. You have to find those people that can expand your horizon while enjoying the one you're currently looking at. It’s not easy, and that’s why I think people feel lonely. Because being seen by others means you have to open yourself up in order to be seen. You can’t hide and expect to feel seen!
I know this first hand because I have moved to a town that sits on the southmost corner of Texas, I’m 40 minutes from the closest coffee shop with decent matcha, and I spend 90% of my time with logic-oriented men (let me be clear that these people are all fine and wonderful, but I am trying to illustrate a point). Try as I may, I’m not logic-oriented. I am a deep feeler. I believe in all the woo-woo and I enjoy sitting in a circle of women pulling tarot cards and warning each other not to kill the spider because Jenni thinks it’s her grandmother. That’s me!! I love that shit.
And try as I may to embrace my authenticity and enjoy life as it is, on some days, I know that what I need is just my girlfriends to frolic in the fields with. It’s hard work to be authentic in an environment that mirrors back to you all the ways that you are different. Nevertheless, it builds excellent character and a bulletproof sense of self.
I guess what I am trying to say here is… I get it. I know that it can be hard. I know what it’s like to be at dinner with people that are perfectly kind and good but know deep down that it’s just not right for you. And I want you to know that there is in fact a way to feel connected.
And that is the avenue of seeing your connection to all things. It’s opening yourself up to the idea that the wind blowing by is confirmation and the cardinal outside your window was heaven-sent. It’s knowing that you are the Universe experiencing itself and you are always supported. It’s sitting in meditation and feeling the tickle of grass between your toes and knowing the grass is thankful for you, too.
You are not alone, it’s impossible for you to be.
And the trick is that the more you lean into the feeling of connection, the easier it is for you to be in the physical manifestation of that connection.
You are One with this whole thing. A vital wave in a big ocean. Remember who you are.
Although I felt for a few minutes a sense of grand loneliness, it also reminded me of how not alone I am. It made me count my gratefuls and remember the truth of my existence. Sometimes the feeling of loneliness can actually catapult you into connection.
So the truth is, sometimes I do feel alone. I feel like a weirdo in a sea of normies just trying to play along and maintain my cool. Other days I just say fuck it and become unhinged. It’s a balance trick. Falling shows you how far you can go next time without toppling over.
In a Universe of duality, the feeling of loneliness is accompanied by the feeling of connection. Up implies down. On implies off. And with that in mind, perhaps the next time you feel alone you can remember that it exists as a reminder for all the ways that you are guided, held, and supported.
We are all One. Keep remembering that.
Thank you for reading this piece. I really appreciate you.
Much love,
BS