Secrets for Deep Connection: Mastering Authenticity, Respect, and Detachment in Your Relationships
Nurturing Meaningful Bonds and Cultivating Inner Harmony for Lasting Relationship Bliss
Dear reader, today is the first installment of a new series I’m starting on Substack! If you’ve been reading thus far, you’ve been along the journey following my creative and spiritual musings that come truly straight from the heart. A form of channeling, we can call it. I will continue sharing these manifestations of the heart and soul, and in addition will begin sharing wisdom in a tangible, understandable, and applicable format! Think bulleted lists, anecdotal evidence, and concise explanations of helpful concepts I learn from philosophy, psychology, Eastern religion, and beyond.
Thanks for being here. I hope you enjoy.
3 Ways to Improve Your Relationships
Rooted in authenticity, detachment, and respect
I come from a big family. We’ve been tight-knit since day one. After 26 years of going on family trips, traveling the world, and spending weeks on end enclosed in the same boat, I have picked up some sage wisdom on how to make the most intimate relationships full of joy and depth, and how to best approach conflict when it inevitable floats by.
Part of the reason I have become so close to my family is not just because of the sheer amount of time spent together, but because of the type of time, we have spent together. Leaving our comfort zones, sharing novel experiences, being humbled in foreign countries where we do not speak the language, and participating in tantalizing dinner conversations that know no boundaries!
Of course, to have great relationships, you don’t always need to explore the corners of the Earth together (although it does do wonders!). There are aspects found in every flourishing relationship that can be brought about no matter who you are or where you are. And knowing that many people are suffering from loneliness these days, it has come to my attention that perhaps we could all use a lesson on the ways to feel more connected. Loneliness comes about when there is a lack of closeness and true connection with others — and oftentimes this can be self-imposed by the way we are in our friendships and romantic relationships.
Family or friends, classmates or lovers — these are 3 excellent ways to deepen, nourish, and thrive in sacred relationships with others.
(1) Authenticity
Don’t roll your eyes quite yet!! Let’s understand what this means, exactly:
true to one's own personality, spirit, or character
conforming to an original so as to reproduce essential features
reliable, accurate representation
Here’s what I have come up with:
Authenticity: a sincere representation of one’s individuation, soul, and character.
I like the part about individuation because it speaks to Carl Jung’s idea on the process of one becoming truly themselves — of the Self coming to fruition.
What places does authenticity have in relationships?
It is the foundation. Without the real you being present in a relationship, whether platonic, familial, or romantic, you do not have a true connection. If a friendship is based on a facade or front, you cannot expect deep connection and understanding because you have not even shown the truth of who you are! We can only wish to be understood by others to the extent that we have given ourselves away.
If you bring a moderated version of yourself to a relationship, this is the first place to begin analyzing.
What is stopping me from being who I really am with this person?
Is my censorship self-imposed? What role have I played in my own censorship?
What fears or doubts are preventing me from being my fullest self?
Gentle self-inquiry will start to expose where authenticity has been lost and how to get it back. In relationships, your willingness to be honest, open, and real will dictate an enormous amount of interactions between you and others. Much of the time when we do not feel seen or heard, it is because we have not allowed ourselves to be seen and heard.
Bring authenticity back. Set the tone for everyone else, too. If you show up as your fullest self, you remind others that it is safe to do so. This takes commitment and choice. Eventually, when you strip away brick after brick of your facade, all that will remain is your real Self. When that version is present, your relationships themselves will change on a cellular level.
There won’t be any hiding. There won’t be any forcing. And, you might even find that relationship ceases to exist if it does not align with who you really are. That is just as important as having thriving relationships.
(2) Respect for Individuation & Others’ Paths
A common way that friction arises in relationships is when we try to control others. You might think “Golly me! I’d never try to control anyone!” It tends to happen unconsciously, but we can find ourselves acting and speaking in certain ways toward others that are rooted in wishing said person is different. Wondering why they don’t just follow your advice and live life more like you.
The problem is nuanced, but ultimately, you might be imposing your way of living onto your partner, siblings, or friends. At the root, we can replace this need to control others by learning to deeply respect each and every human’s process of becoming an individual. Simply put, everyone is on a different path. Every soul is here to figure out who they really are in their own way. This is the process of individuation:
The principle of individuation, or principium individuationis, describes the manner in which a thing is identified as distinct from other things.
Even though you feel happy and fulfilled in your way of living, that doesn’t always mean your exact steps and formula will work for your friend or your mom. From personal experience, this is hard to embody because when you care so deeply about someone, of course, you want to help them and see them happy!
This is an area where we have to practice cultivating more love and respect for the people around us. A few ways to create a deep sense of respect for others:
Learn about Oneness. Explore what it means to feel connected to the Universe. Explore your spiritual side in an effort to become more loving and conscious.
Reflect on the uniqueness of your path and how you got here. Identify how beneficial it was to go through obstacles and challenges that formed who you are now.
Celebrate the people around you for what they offer, not what they lack. Incorporate a gratitude practice that honors your loved ones.
Ultimately, as you understand yourself more, you will grow to understand others and in turn, respect that each of us has a unique life path that we are trying out best to realize. Curiosity and understanding will find their way into your relationships when you shift from trying to control others and instead spend more time learning about what makes others special.
(3) Detachment from others’ problems
This may prove to be the most difficult one because of how normalized it is to take on our family and friends’ drama and problems as our own. A lack of boundaries doesn’t begin to cover it! Nonetheless, there is a huge benefit to be found in learning to cut energetic chords and maintain your own sense of self separate from what others are going through.
Empaths especially know how difficult it can be to maintain emotional sovereignty when someone you love (or anyone for that matter) is suffering. Empath or not, you will find that practicing boundaries and maintaining a sense of separation between your Self and others’ negative energy will enable you to be of greater service.
Detachment creates a clear mind. Instead of being overly emotionally invested in someone’s drama, for example, you are able to see what someone may truly need. On the flip side, unconsciously over-invested individuals may find themselves giving advice or comments that suit their own way of life and not the subjects. By maintaining a detached perspective, you can still care deeply, you can still listen and invest time and energy into someone, but you won’t let it completely take over your state of being.
From a detached perspective, you can provide insights, learnings, and opportunities for reflection that are not unconscious — they will be wholly informed and respectful of whomever you are trying to help.
To get better at detachment, a philosophical approach can provide the necessary framework for your mind to understand. In the world of Zen, you can learn to see yourself as One with the Universe without that meaning you must take on the entire Universe and everyone in it. By seeing perception as just perception, you eliminate certain illusions from your life and see things as they are.
For now, I invite you to begin with affirmations and visualizations for detachment:
At the end of the day, before going to sleep, visualize reclaiming your energy
Imagine building a safe bubble around yourself where you choose what is let in and what is kept out. Imagine cutting off any chords that are sucking your energy. Cut them off and let them go.
Affirmations and reminders for emotional sovereignty:
“I care deeply about my loved ones but I maintain a sense of Self.”
“I am most helpful to those around me when I am sovereign.”
“It is safe for me to maintain independence.”
“I am detached from others’ problems and am safe in my own energy.”
A Calm Inner World
Our inner world reflects the outer world — meaning that as you cultivate calmness, authenticity, love, and respect on the inside, you will find the external world to reflect that as well. Moreover, relationships require an effort from each individual to define who they really are. To self inquire and bring their whole Self to the table. When you take charge of creating an inner world of tranquility, showing up in relationships is all the more enjoyable.
Your path to wonderful relationships:
Authenticity
Respect
Detachment
I hope you found these helpful — I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments and any questions you may have. Thanks so much for reading! See you next week.
good stuff and reminders! thanks so much