I’ve said it before and I’ll reiterate it here: my opinion could change, this is simply my current outlook on life and as we know, the lens changes, the filter clears and we arrive at a new perspective.
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My journey with zero-alcohol living has been incredibly joyful and rewarding. It has taught me multitudes about myself and enabled me to see life through an upgraded color palette. I’m in communication with nature, I hear her whispers, and I see her beauty without having to try. I am at One with the Universe and I feel that truth in my bones every day. Choosing to experience life in all of its awkwardness and strangeness has granted me a perspective shift unlike anything else (we’ll have to see what psychedelics can do).
I’m going to tell you my unique experience and leave the interpretation to you. I don’t feel dogmatic about this view and I know others who are deeply spiritual beings that leave space for alcohol in their lives and I try my best to respect their paths. I’ve seen others write poetry about how the most spiritual thing they’ve done is shotgun a beer with total strangers in West Texas. Amen! If being sober has taught me anything, it’s that life is weird and wonderful and we’re all here to experience it as fully as possible and that manifests differently for each person.
This is my version.
I am a deep feeler. I’m a deep thinker and ponderer. I enjoy sitting in silence and staring at trees or the ocean or pelicans flying by. Many, many things make me happy. I laugh easily and I’ll cry in the same breath. I am human and I embrace that humanness with all my heart.
As I spend more and more time sober, I see life become more colorful. And that to me has been reason enough to explore it further. My ego also does not like feeling out of control. I don’t want to stumble at a bar and accidentally fall on my ass. I want to be alert if something happens. I hate the feeling of being hungover and so does my body. My heart physically feels pain and my nervous system is far less equipped to manage even the small stresses of life — and that happens after just one night of drinking every 3 months.
The smell of cigarettes makes me sick and I feel sad knowing a smoker is hurting the lungs that were made so divinely. I don’t like seeing people hurt themselves. I want people to feel whole as they are — but that’s not up to me.
Sober living has made me more empathetic — but not without a challenge. You see, when you’re the only one not drinking at a party, everyone is asking you why you aren’t drinking. They’re not asking themselves why they are, like why they REALLY are. When you’re telling people why, oftentimes health reasons come up, or spiritual learnings or the fact that you just feel better. And quickly after that, you can sense a feeling of discomfort as Johnny sips his beer seconds after I’ve said it’s basically poison. So I think to myself, “Yeah… maybe you should just say you don’t like it and move on.”
The problem is, I value the truth, and telling it is a critical point on my compass. Either way, you can see how being the sober person at the party starts to make you feel unintentionally different from others. And as such, you have to work a little harder to find love and acceptance for others and their path. And, importantly, for yours.
The epitome of being sober in an alcohol-obsessed culture is that you feel like the weirdo for being yourself as you are — no social lubricant or mind-altering substances involved. Just me and my blood coursing through my veins. And you think… Is there something wrong with me?? Why don’t I just have a little drink??
But the answer is in my gut: no. I’m good. And if I am not going to listen to my intuition, what kind of message does that send to the divine source of energy flowing through me?
Oddly enough, I feel a sense of shame in writing this. Perhaps it’s just discomfort. Maybe the subject doesn’t need a whole essay and I just need to exist. Experience life as I want to and move on with it. But…
I am a writer. An artist. It is my calling to observe the world and report back. It’s my gift to use language to describe the boundaries of understanding. And alcohol simply fascinates me — our relationship to it, the traditions, the stories, the norms. It is one of the greatest examples of the strange human condition.
How did we build so many stories around one little substance? It goes so far back in history that it’s essentially a part of who we are — or is it? Has it all been one big propaganda machine convincing us that drinking is fun and normal and safe and healthy and part of a complete lifestyle?
Who wrote this story and why are we living it without question?
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. In my sober days, I ask these questions. I poke deeper into these beliefs and I challenge myself to expand. I am not here to live life by a predetermined script. Man, I don’t even take Advil when my head hurts! Give me the pain! It’s telling me something!
That’s the kind of person I am — I want to feel life in its raw form and I want to stand sober in a bar at 1am wondering why the fuck anybody is here when you cannot even breathe through the fog machine and no one is going to remember it the next day. I want to witness humanity in its confusion and wake up the next day with the clarity of mind to decipher it.
Some artists run away from the pain. They smooth it over with a bottle or a pill. I am the artist that swims in discomfort, hates it, then says thank you the next day.
I am in touch with nature and I ask her daily for direction. The message comes through as my intuition and for now, I am in the business of listening to that voice.
In this era of spending 98% of my time as just me, I have come home to myself. There is a home within me wherever I go. And as a writer, as an artist, that means everything.
Simply put, I am happy. I am free. I am awkward and I am cringe. But that is who I am. For me, drinking numbs the sensory information that I currently value most. I want to know what is happening so I can understand it. I’m an explorer.
So, what have I learned from 4 months sober and 3 months before that and 3 months before that, and on and on going back 4 years?
Life is about doing what is right for you while playfully questioning what you think is right.
Empathy is respecting others’ paths even when you could never see that for yourself and you don’t think it’s right.
Love is accepting someone for who they are right now and not for who you think they can be.
Joy is simple. It is in a blade of grass.
Nature always knows best and if you listen carefully, you'll realize that you are nature — she’s trying to speak through you right now.
I am afraid of a lot of things, and I should learn more about those things.
Alcohol isn’t the thing making you more authentic, it’s your mind playing games with you. You are the one doing it and you can do it without it.
Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t make it good.
And just because no one else is doing it doesn’t make it good either.
You are free by virtue of existing.
You are powerful beyond measure and comprehension.
Enlightenment is found in a grain of sand.
Yes, you can have fun.
No, there is nothing wrong with you.
Yes, you should dance right now.
I don’t have the final answer. It could all change. But for now, if I am happy and calm and excited and fulfilled by the smallest moment — and that’s really good.
Thank you for reading this piece. I am grateful to you and your soul for being here. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments — if you're shy, just ‘heart’ this piece instead :)
Xo,
BS